Churches, Please Stop Restoring the Wrong People!
By: Diane Tuttle
If you’re anything like me, you’ve been sickened by the recent abhorrent revelations of church leaders behaving in the most evil ways. As if these revelations aren’t bad enough, many of these detestable abusers have church comrades who will protect, cover-up, and restore them to their positions of power and influence. I cannot begin to fathom why anyone would feel the need to protect them. However, even more detestable is the fact that in an effort to restore perpetrators and evildoers, the innocent are often ignored, shamed, and blamed. Does this reprehensible restoration in any way mirror the restoration that Jesus would lovingly provide? I believe not.
The innocent ones were given to the church, specifically for the shepherd and leaders to protect and guide. This is why the Biblical qualifications for church leaders mandate such high moral standards. Today, we are appalled and heartbroken to hear of so many innocent women and children who have been violated. As if these abuses weren’t evil enough, stories break of their victims being ignored by the very ones who should have protected and restored them. Why are church leaders restoring the wrong people? Why has restoration become a term of cover-up or a half-hearted effort to return a person’s position, while cleaning up their image? Does this restoration process align with God’s restorative design of bringing beauty from ashes?
DARVO, a trauma therapy term, describes the phenomenon or event when a significant person in a relationship Denies, Argues, and Reverses the Victim with the Offender. DARVO is a type of gaslighting or narcissistic behavior intending to make the victim feel somehow responsible for the offender’s own bad behavior, making it appear as if the offender was as innocent as a lamb. Could it be that church leaders (typically male pastors and elders) who are dealing with the consequences of abuse or bad behavior in their church are utilizing the same DARVO weapon? I believe so.
It is absolutely gut-wrenching when stories hit the headlines of well-respected pastors being caught committing crimes and very heinous acts. These stories hurt and disgust us, as if we’ve been gut punched or slapped on the face. Before we can begin the difficult processing of this dichotomy, we might as well turn the other cheek to have it slapped when we hear of a cover-up or an insufficient “restoration process.” So often, it involves a quick turnaround, allowing the offender to return to their previous position. Instead, discipline and boundaries should have been applied to the offender by clearly informing the entire church, while applying to the victim and other congregants a healing balm through this horrific season of shock, hurt, and confusion. Restoration should also include marking the offender as unfit for future paid church positions, while most importantly, seeking legal counsel to determine if criminal/legal charges should be filed, and not by taking matters into their own hands.
Why do I share such strong words? Because enough is enough! Sexual abuse is rampant. We’ve seen the expansive coverup in so many churches and denominations, with many applying their own brand of restoration to sustain their “good church” image. Could it be that churches are so obsessed with extending “God’s grace” to the offender, that they’ve completely forgotten to extend grace and help to the victims? Rather than silencing and re-victimizing hurt people, why doesn’t the church offer them help? Following the example of Jesus, churches are to minister to the sick, the hurting, and not to the religious Pharisees. It is time that the church offers Christ-like restoration to the victims by offering hope, help, and God’s healing power.
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For women who have experienced sexual abuse and who appear to be “doing life” while knowing they have many deep wounds, the Restoration: Beauty From Ashes program might be the help they need. It is not a replacement for professional licensed trauma therapy nor is it recommended for those who have experienced sexual abuse within the past year.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual abuse, I encourage you to check out the restorationbfa.org website. Perhaps, you may feel led to speak with your pastor or women’s ministry leader about offering a Restoration group at your church. If you are met with resistance or don’t have a church home, I encourage you to start a group on your own. All the resources that you need: books, videos, and a leader’s guide to help you get started are available on the website. If sexual abuse is your experience, please don’t suffer in silence, and if God breaks your heart for hurting people, be the one who speaks up and offers help and resources.